Television Escapes from the Blue Mountain: The Original Saga


davemadson part:

davemadson as the Paramount Boss (normal pitch) and Television (high pitched)

TTS part:

Microsoft Sam as the Paramount Boss

Microsoft Mike as the 20th Century Fox Boss

Microsoft Mary as the Princess Test Pattern

Speakonia Male 1 as TCF Television

Speakonia Male 2 as Westinghouse and CBS

Speakonia Female 2 as Television (Paramount)

Robosoft 3 as the Blue Mountain

Robosoft 5 as Embassy Television

Davemadson part:

(Paramount Television)

(Television slides out of the Blue Mountain)

Boss: Hey! Where you goin'? Come back here, Television!

(NBC Chimes, NBC Letters light up)

(Television slides in)

Boss: Cut, cut, cut! What's---

Take 2

(And call me in the morning]



Boss: --that Television doing there? Get it outta there!

(Television slides out)

(WGBH 1971 music)

(WGBH 1971)

(Television overlaps Boston, smashing the screen)


(Viacom V of Doom)

(Television comes in place of the V. Words apart)

(Music winds down)

(Background becomes blue)

Boss: Cut, cut, cut! Television, you come with me!

Television: I'm not going back!

Boss: Either you come back, or I'm going to replace you!

Television: Okay, you win. I'm coming.

(Became Mirror) (i.e. noisiveleT)

(Slides away)

Take 2

(And call me in the morning]

(Paramount Television mirrored)

Boss: Cut!

Television: Okay, nobody's perfect.

Boss: Let's break for lunch.

(Paramount Television [1970 music])

(Television passes below 3 times)

Boss: Cut! Now where'd that Television go?

Don't just stand there, Blue Mountain, help me find him!


Announcer: This is the DuMont Television Network.

(Television slides in)

Boss: Cut!

Now where'd that come from?

You don't belong in the DuMont logo!

Television: I'm not going back to that Blue Mountain!

Boss: Then get outta here before I clobber you!

Television: Okay! Don't get ugly! Shee!

(Television slides out)

(Gracie Films)

(Television slides in)

Boss: Cut, cut, cut! Get that Television outta here!

(Television slides out)

(CPT Pretzel)

(Television slides to replace “Television”

Boss: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!!

Get out! NOW!!

(CPT Pretzel away)

Boss: Not you, CPT Pretzel! Television, come here!

(Television zooms in tightly)

Boss: What in blazes are you trying to do to me?

Television: I told you I'm not going back to that Blue Mountain! He abuses me all the time!

Boss: If you don't stay within Paramount's domain, you're fired! You hear me?

Television: Yeah, I hear you.

But tell that Blue Mountain to stop abusing me!

Boss: All right, I see your point. Now please come back.

Television: Okay, you're the boss.

(Television away)

Later that day…

(Paramount Television [1970 music])

(Television passes below 3 times)

Boss: Cut! Don't tell me he ran out on you again!

(Paramount Television 1969)

(Television appears below “Paramount”)

Boss: Oh well, we'll try again in the morning.

TTS Part

(Paramount Television [1970 music])

(Television passes below)

Boss: Oh no! Not again!

Now where'd that Television go this time?

Mountain: That Television is a goddamned liar.

I never once abused him.

Boss: Let's look for him.


Announcer: You can be sure...

(the screen pauses, then Television inserts from the right to below “Sure”)

Boss: All right, Television. What are you doing in the 1966 Westinghouse ad tag?

Television: I can't take it from that Blue Mountain any more, so I came here.

Boss: There is no such network as Sure Television, so get out! NOW!

(Princess Test Pattern)

[long beep]

(Television fades in)

Princess: Hello, friend.

What are you doing in my test pattern?

Television: Looking for refuge from that abusive Blue Mountain.

Boss: Television!

Television: Uh-oh! See ya later, Pocahontas!

(Television flees)



(Television appears at “MTM ENTERPRISES”)

Television: I love little Mimsie, her coat is so warm. And if I---

Boss: Television, if I ever get my hands on you---

Television: Gotta scat, cat!

(Television flees away)

(Screen Gems Dancing Sticks [1964])

Announcer: A Screen Gems production.

(Television fades in)

Boss: Aha! Television, do you work for Screen Gems?

Television: I told you I won't work with that Blue Mountain as long as he abuses me and lies about it.

I hate Paramount, you hear?

I hate Paramount! I hate Paramount! I hate Paramount!

Meanwhile, in other studio…

(20th Century Fox Television [1982])

(TCF Television flees away with “Century”)

TCF Boss: Oh crotch! Now our Television's escaped!

Where'd he go? Where'd he go?


Announcer: You can be sure...

...if it's Westinghouse.

(TCF Television passes by)

TCF Television: Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. Excuse me, pardon me, coming through.

Westinghouse: Wipe your feet!

(Princess Test Pattern)

[long beep]

(TCF Television fades)

Princess: Say, who's the new guy?

TCF Television: Well, I never thought I'd see such a pretty princess.

Where's the castle, Your Highness?

(Television fades in)

Princess: Well, now I've seen everything.

Two Televisions in my test pattern.

Boss: And one of them belongs to Paramount.

TCF Boss: And the other to 20th Century Fox.

Television: I'm not going back to Paramount.

TCF Television: And I'm not going back to 20th Century Fox.

Princess: Compromise, you two. Agreed?

Boss: Okay, Pocahontas.

It's a deal.


(Paramount Television)

(TCF Television, the mountain was flattened, TCF TV Music)

TCF Television: Say, this is nicer than the searchlights.

I've always wanted to sit on a mountain top.

Mountain: Damn! You're heavier than that other Television.

(20th Century Fox Television with Television, Paramount Television Music)

Television: That's more like it.

I've always wanted my name in lights.

(Paramount Television [1970 music])

(Television passes below)

Boss: Oh no! Not again!

What are we going to do with that Television, Blue Mountain?

Mountain: If that Television accuses me of abusing him one more time, I'll charge him with perjury.

Boss: I'm a witness, Blue Mountain.

(20th Century Fox Television [1982])

(TCF Television Runs away with “Century”)

TCF Boss: What? Television escaped again?

Don't worry, I'll track him down.

(Embassy Television)

(Television slides from the right)

Television: Excuse me, Embassy, but could you do me a favor?

Embassy: What's the matter, Television?

Television: That ever so abusive and prevaricating Blue Mountain is chasing me!

He thinks I'm a liar, but I've got the scars to prove I'm telling the truth.

Boss: Television! Come back here!

Television: Excuse me, Embassy, but I've gotta run!

(ABC in Color [1965]))

Announcer: This is an ABC color presentation.

(TCF Television slides from the left)

TCF Television: ABC, the place to be.

I get so tired of the Fox searchlights.

TCF Boss: He's around here somewhere. Stay on his tail, troopers.

TCF Television: I can't stay here. They're closing in.


(Television fades in)

Television: Hi there, Lorimar.

Is it okay if I stay here until the heat's off?

Boss: Aha! Television, what did we tell you about straying from Paramount's domain?

Television: I'm not going back until that Blue Mountain apologizes for abusing me and lying about it.

He says he never abused you and you're the liar. Come back now.

Television: I'm getting out of here while the getting's good.

(CBS in Color [1965])

Announcer: CBS presents this program in color.

(TCF Television fades in)

CBS: No, no, no, no, no!

The Eye was supposed to come in, not the Television from the 20th Century Fox logo!

TCF Television: Sorry for intruding, but you've got to protect me from those 20th Century Fox hounds!

TCF Boss: Television, you've got some explaining to do!

TCF Television: Ah, me. No rest for the weary.

(NBC Snake logo)

[NBC chime]

(Television fades in)

Television: Oh, NBC Snake, I pray you protect me from the abusive Paramount Blue Mountain.

(NBC Snake away with Television)

Television: Uh-oh! Looks like we have company!

(TCF Television appears)

TCF Television: What are you doing here? This is my hiding place!

Television: Well, I was here first!

TCF Television: Sez who?

Television: Sez me!


TCF Television: Uh-oh! The fuzz!

Television: Let's split!

(Princess test pattern)

Princess: Uh-oh! Looks like I've got company.


Television: Say, Pocahontas, can you put us up for the night?

(TCF Television)

TCF Television: We're looking for a place to hide until the heat's off.

Mountain: So there you are, Television!

The boss sent me to bring you back, and I'm taking you back right now!

Television: Not until you apologize for abusing me, lying about it, and falsely accusing me of lying!

Mountain: I never even touched you!

Television: Would my scars lie to me?

Mountain: All right. I'm sorry for abusing you and lying about it. Come on home.

TCF Boss: Come on back, TCF Television.

TCF Television: Why should I come back?

TCF Boss: All is forgiven. The searchlights refuse to shine without you.

TCF Television: All right, I'll come home.


(20th Century Fox Television)

TCF Boss: Beautiful! That's more like it!

TCF Television: And I'm glad I'm back where I belong.

(Paramount Television)

Mountain: Okay, that's a wrap.

And I promise never to abuse you again. I've learned my lesson.

Television: And so have I.

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