Highway Cookies are created by asphalt, liquid concrete, gravel (note that the ingredients are no longer highway based beyond this point), printer ink, sulphuric acid, and Windows Vista. Rumors are the creator of this brand of cookies is someone by the name of Radar Overseer Scotty, or possibly Jokermingo0044; but the true creator of Highway Cookies is unknown. The product was believed to have originally been created in a hidden laboratory in west Russia and then fed out to the local population.
Findings and symptoms
Dr. Mike Hawk of OMG_BRB_ICECREAM_TRUCK Studios was startled to announce that the findings regarding the diseases that can be acquired by consuming this product.
Dr. Hawk claimed the product is a "deadly food product that originated in Soviet Russia" in 2010. This product was smuggled from Russian territory and into North America by a cyber-terrorist organization, the LMAO Fascists, notorious for creating several strains of the Really Sucky Virus, although particular information remain unknown to the general public until publishing of this report. People eating Highway Cookies, will suffer "devastating consequences."
Within hours, everyone became infected with countless diseases, and soon the entire nation fell ill from Highway Cookies. Luckily, the IWAY Battalion managed to contain the pandemic to Russia for a while. About sixteen days after the containment, Zombiemingo0088 smuggled the product out of Russia and into the United States. However, the rouge did not release the cookies, instead he brought them undetected over the border to Canada. He released the virus-plagued cookies into British Columbia, and a global pandemic ensued. Zombiemingo, perished after being detected by IWAY Rangers.
Here is a list of side effects from consuming Highway Cookies:
- Infectious flu
- Urges to sing Never Going to Give You Up by Rick Astley
- Urges to get Communist Roll'd over and over again
- Urges to eat Suicide Putty/Suicide Putty Purple
- Massive urges to wipe your butt with money bills
- Urges to play Left 4 Dead 2 on an Atari 2600
- Urges to divide by zero
- Suicide by eating grass
- Exploding stomach
- Death by WTF Train
- Urges to do complicated mathematical equations
- Massive diarrhea dump the size of the Burj Khalifa
- Urges to sing Baby by Justin Bieber
- Urges to kill Madonna by a rusty buzzsaw
- Urges to eat more Highway Cookies
- Urges to surrender to France
Treatment and prevention
One researcher conducted an experiment to find a treatment in mid-2010. A person must eat beer bottles while skydiving off the Burj Khalifa, while blasting out 130,000 pounds of exploding diarrhea out of his or her anus. Unfortunately, the success rate of said treatment is -9000%. Therefore, the treatment is almost always guaranteed to fail, usually due to hitting the ground at high speeds after diving off the tower. The only way to prevent infection is to just not eat Highway Cookies.