James Patterson

Lieutenant James Patterson, as seen in Microsoft Sam and LOL War 1

Lt. James Steven Patterson
Vital statistics
Title Lieutenant James Steven "Jimmy" Patterson
Gender Male
Race Anglo-Saxon
Faction United LOLs of ROFLica
Health N/A
Level N/A
Status Deceased
Location N/A


James Steven "Jimmy" Patterson (born January 11th, 1990) was a soldier who fought for the army of the United LOLz of ROFLica. He contributed a great service to the cause and had been celebrated for his success in missions.

Patterson died on February 17th, 2015, during a battle against the Nazis on the southern shores of Great LOLtain.


Patterson was a very skilled soldier in almost every way. In college, he earned very good grades in almost every class:

Vector and Tensor Analysis- A+

Chemistry- A

Metallurgy- A-

Calculus- A

Comparative Religions- A+

Differential Equations- A+

Fluid Dynamics- A

Structures- A+

German- C-*

Logic and Philosophy- A+

Chaucer- A

  • Note his C- in German. Many people have questioned this. Patterson claimed he "lets his bullets do the talking at that point".

Patterson was in the 90th percentile in every weapon class, and preferred the M1 Garand and the Browning Automatic Rifle, when made available to him.

Early Military Career

Patterson's military career started in 2006, at age 16, just after an unfortunate incident with Microsoft Anna lead to the birth of his son, Michael. He left in order to avoid Anna and to get revenge on Sergeant Troll of Trollolia, who set him up with Anna to troll him. Soon after the incident, he was called up by various nations because of his marksmanship and quickness in battle. This made him not only an OSS agent, but also a mercenary. He was assigned to various missions in GeROFLmany, VietLOL, and the Republic of My, primarily undercover missions, as he was working for the ROFLican Office of Stategic Services (OSS), an espionage group founded by Microsoft Sam. He is the main reason the Republic of My is still unified, and why VietLOL didn't break out in another civil war.

LOL War 1 & Second Great War

On December 29th, 2013, LOL War 1 had officially started. Patterson was still in service, but didn't want to fight in the USSR or Virussia, where the war had started. He eventually decided to join on March 8th, 2014, in response to the creation of the Axis of Evil. He and his men decided to carry out a beach invasion on their borders. He succeeded in taking the beach once more men got there to aid the remaning soldiers, including Patterson, who were still holding off Lord Darthon's soldiers. Two of his soldiers, Dallas and Charlie, sent more men to aid Patterson and to officially take the beach. He decided to put some of his engineering skills to work after the invasion was over, building ROFLtanks, such as the LMAO-50, the Nomadic Dreadnought, the RA-89, the Sledgehammer, and the ROFLtank Mk. 1. His tanks pushed back the Axis of Evil farther back into their empire. After the reformation of Adolf Hitler's United Speakonian Nazi Empire in GeROFLmany, Patterson was assigned a mission to assissniate Baron Rudolf Von Sturmgeist, Hitler's right-hand man. After killing Sturmgeist, he stole the Nazi's LOL-9 jet fighter. Patterson also saw some more action on the eastern front, where the ROFLicans got kicked around and had their asses handed to them. He went on a mission to destroy a railgun carrying rigged ROFLican goods, and succeeded. A few months later, he helped Soviet rebels defeat the Nazis.

In the Second Great War, Patterson received word of the Nazis' return, and promptly went to LOLrope to fight the Nazis. He met up with Microsoft Sam near the south of Great LOLtain, where the LOLtish were encountering some Nazi activity. After flying Sam's crew of men over there, Patterson, with the aid of Radar Overseer Scotty, cleared a path for the infantry using an M10 Wolverine tank. He had destroyed quite a few vehicles, and cleared paths for the infantry. This was where he made the decision that ultimately led to his death. After switching spots with Scotty (who was originally the gunner, then Patterson switched spots with him, making Scotty the driver), he told Scotty to cross the bridge and go behind a church on the other side. Scotty drove out too far, and Nazi anti-tank weapons started hitting the tank. Patterson decided to ram a nearby Nazi tank, so that an explosion big enough could kill every Nazi left. The tank exploded, as well as his. Scotty survived, while Patterson was killed, with burn marks, cuts, and skin lacerations all over his body. He was buried in LOLdon shortly after the incident. He was 25 years old when he died.


His son, Michael Patterson, was tested in a laboratory to test the effects of a new "age accelleration" experiment. It was a failure, as Michael was exposed to deadly radiation and later died.

Patterson was Ambidextrous, being able to use both hands equally for pretty much everything.

He had the mentality and maturity of a modern Call of Duty multiplayer gamer, trash-talking the opposition non-stop and saying things like "come at me bro" and "I owned your [insert nationality of soldiers here] like a boss", as well as "bitches don't know 'bout my badass gun skills" and "are you even aiming? Get on my level, bro". He was not as stealthy as his Medal of Honor counterpart.

He proposed to Microsoft Mary after a long relationship, but whether she accepted the proposal or not isn't specified to this day. He is still with Mary, and had forgotten about the propposal.

He has a brother, named Jim. Jim Patterson is currently on injury leave due to an incident with a mine exploding near his camp site.

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