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Toilet Rules (2)

The rules for the toilet

The Rules for the Toilet is an alias for a famous Japanese sign, indicating the rules for proper use of a toilet. The sign was made famous by Microsoft Sam reads Stupid and Weird Signs, appearing in the original video on June 23, 2008.

Standard rules

  1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
  2. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your penis is fat, smelly and disgusting.)
  3. No puking in the toilet. (Nobody needs to see or smell your puke.)
  4. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (We can see your shit coming out of your ass when you do that.)
  5. No fishing. (What the hell? Nobody will ever do that. What would you catch? Maybe somebody else's shit.)
  6. No shitting in the urinal. (That's the best idea I have ever heard.)

Other rules

There are other signs indicating other rules for properly taking a dump or a piss. Users may view these signs in their respective episodes of Microsoft Sam reads Stupid and Weird Signs.

Episode 4

  1. Sit and shit correctly.
  2. Do not stand on the toilet and shit. (It's just wrong.)

Episode 7

  1. No peeing standing up. (As usual, your penis is fat, smelly and disgusting.)
  2. No sitting and shitting like a damn bitch. (We can see your shit exploding out of your fat ass, when you do that, bitch.)

Episode 11

  1. Please roll the toilet paper into the toilet, rip three sheets off and send the rest down the toilet. (That's just awesome. To hell with the environment, I wipe my ass with the environment.)
  2. No standing and shitting like a damn retard. (Please, I do not want to see your partially digested BLT sandwich, splattered all over my diarrhea infested toilet.)

Episode 14

  1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Nobody needs to see the giant monsoon of diarrhea pouring out of your anus.)
  2. Place your butt cheeks on the toilet, sit up straight, place your hands on your knees, and sit and shit in an orderly fashion because there's a huge fucking lineup outside waiting to get that anal fudge out of their anus.

Episode 16

  1. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your STD infected penis is fat, smelly, and disgusting.)
  2. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (The last thing I want to see is partially digested corn stew mixed with tacos and vanilla ice cream being slowly shat out in full view of everyone.)
  3. No pissing like a dog in the urinal. (You're not a bitch!)
  4. No oral sex. (Why in holy hell any girl would want to suck on your repulsive penis beyond me? It's probably half the size of an atom and infected with every disease known to man.)

Episode 18

  1. Get down on your hands and knees and pray to the toilet gods. (Their blessing will grant you the power of levitation. CAUTION: May result in death.)
  2. Do not vomit on the floor while praying to the toilet gods. (The toilet gods will be displeased and you will die to death as a result)
  • Caution in both cases: Vomit may contain worms.

Episode 21

  1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Put your buttocks on the seat and shit like a normal person, we don't give a shit if the seat has more bacteria than a superbug-infested hospital.)
  2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Please evacuate your anus like a gentleman.)
  3. Throw an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet. (What the fuck, who would waste precious toilet paper? Then again, after I dump my anus, I tend to flush an entire roll down the toilet anyway.)

Episode 26

Round 1

  1. No diving. (The swimming budget has really suffered in recent years. No need for synchronized swimming when we have synchronized shitting.)

Round 2

  1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (What, do you want us to see a waterfall of diarrhea streaming out your butthole?)
  2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Be a civilized person and shit normally.)

Sochi Rules

Rules for the Olympic toilet
  1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Do not hang from the ceiling and aim your anus at the toilet. It will miss and the FSB will make you clean it up with your tongue.)
  2. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your other partner in the stall doesn't need to see your fat, smelly, and disgusting penis.)
  3. No praying to the toilet gods or puking in the toilet. (It will disturb your stallmate.)
  4. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (No one wants to see your partially digested vodka when you do that. If you do this, the FSB will force you to clean the toilet bowl with your tongue.)
  5. No fishing in the toilet. (You're not Vladimir Putin, you won't be able to catch a great white shark like a badass.)
  6. No taking drugs. (That is messed up.)

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